James's Beard

A place for me to write.

Location: Cleveland, Ohio, United States

Just a young man trying to make it on sheer wit, guile, and dumb luck.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Miller Lite: Man Down

Know what I’m tired of? This:

Now, I have numerous problems with this commercial (the whole series of Miller Lite commercials, actually). These go well beyond my usual problems with beer commercials - that they aren’t funny, they relies the men are idiots and women are sex objects stereotypes that haven’t been particularly fresh since at least the nineteenth century, that the beer sucks, and, seriously, they’re not funny. There’s so much I hate about this commercial I actually made a list.

1. What’s wrong with that guy’s swimsuit?

Seriously. I know that as a heterosexual American male, I’m supposed to fall over laughing like a braying donkey at the mere thought of a man wearing a skimpy bathing suit, but I’m past it. I’m sorry Miller Lite. I’m not nine anymore. I’m an adult and I’ve gotten to the stage where I’m pretty comfortable with myself. I go to the gym. I shower there if necessary. I’ve seen more. It’s not the end of the world. And it stops being funny after a bit. That guy’s suit isn’t even that revealing. Anyone who has ever vacationed in Europe or where Europeans vacation has probably seen skimpier. It’s not like the guy has a terrible body. He’s not exactly rocking a six pack, but how many women in bikinis look like supermodels? Instead of making fun of the guy, they should be giving him respect. He’s comfortable with himself and that’s awesome. After the bartender made fun of him, I wish he would tell her off and get with the brunette next to him. Now, that would be a commercial I can get behind. And he should totally have high-fived that European guy in the same suit.

2. That guy’s friends are dicks.

Way to have your friend’s back. He’s the one in the group with the most self-confidence. You’re at the beach and he’s in a sweet European suit while you guys don’t even have the balls to take your shirts off. What are you guys, the fat kids in swim class?

3. The Term “Man Up”

“Man up” is a phrase idiots say to fire-up other idiots. If anyone ever tells you to man up, you can safely assume that person has an IQ in the low 70s and should be ignored. I can guarantee, any “manly” feat through history was probably accomplished without any participants being told to man up. It’s not like Teddy Roosevelt had to tell the Rough Riders to man up. That guy wore a monocle and said “bully” and still managed to be a complete badass. Now that’s self-confidence.

4. The beer sucks

I know it’s not fair to judge a commercial based on the product. A lot of terrible products have had effective, interesting commercials, but I can’t get past the fact that beer is terrible. Let’s be honest. All light beers taste pretty much the same. I challenge anyone to take a blind taste test with the major light beers (Miller, Coors, Bud, etc.) and pick out their “favorite.” It all pretty much tastes like water with a little beer flavor in it. So let’s not kid ourselves that one has more taste while choosing the others makes you less of a man. Your choice of beverage in no way affects how much and what kind of a man (or woman) you are. There are guys out there drinking down chocolate martinis that are more man than most beer drinkers. Oh, and you know what other beer is “triple hops brewed”? All of them. That’s how the brewing process works.

5. Does that girl work for tips?

This bugs me the most. Does she really expect a tip? Does she have something bitchy to say to everyone who doesn’t order a Miller Lite? Does she know how customer service works? Doesn’t she like money? I’ve never tended bar before, but I most certainly have patronized my fair share. If a bartender ever talked to me like that, there’s no way I would tip her (or him). I would make it a point to let them know explicitly that I was not tipping, lest they think it had simply slipped my mind. I would leave a penny, and maybe a stick of gum (unless I had some really good gum). I would write a little note explaining my decision. It’s simple customer service. You treat the customer well. It’s not like the guy did anything to her. All he did was have the self-confidence to wear a completely balling swimsuit. He wasn’t doing anything to her. He wasn’t in violation of the bar’s rules. Sure, I’m not sure where he was keeping his money, but I’m sure he had the wherewithal to pay. And this stupid bitch has the nerve to call him out. It’s not any of her damned business what beer the guy orders, or what trunks he put on this morning. All she has to do is smile and hand over the beer and she gets paid. What a bitch.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha right on man. these commercials blow. sometimes i think the miller lite bartenders are having a "who can be the biggest twat" contest

6:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. These commercials make guys seems like idiots. I refuse to drink the product based on these dumb commercials.

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