On Favorites

I do not have a favorite color. I do not have a favorite movie. I do not have a favorite band. I do not have a favorite book. I do not have a favorite food, drink, place, or article of clothing. I really do not have a favorite anything. * I like things. I like some things more than other things. If pressed I can make a vague hierarchy. I can categorize into tiers: things I really like, things I like, things I sort of like, things I am indifferent toward, and so on. Yet, I cannot produce a definitive favorite in any category. I cannot bring myself to raise a single thing in any category above all the rest. I honestly cannot proclaim a favorite.

The entire concept of having a favorite eludes me in most instances. I am not really sure how you even develop a favorite. So, you say your favorite color is blue. Fine. What exactly does that mean? Do you hold blue dearest to you? Do you shun greens and reds in favor of blue? Do you wish the entire world were blue? How did blue even become your favorite color? I really want to know how you even get to have a favorite. Maybe, it’s a conscious decision. You hear that everyone else has a favorite color, so you figure you might as well have one too. You pull out a color wheel, and take a good look around. For whatever reason you feel blue on this day. Maybe it matches the sky on this particular day, or your shirt. So, you proclaim blue your favorite, and that is that. But if you had picked a favorite at another time would it still be blue. Maybe if you had waited a day, green would have been the color of the cool grass you laid upon in the afternoon sun. If a day earlier, perhaps purple would have matched the Kool-Aid that stained your child lips. I realize that favorites are arbitrary by nature. That is supposedly part of the fun. What your favorite is supposedly says a lot about you. I

I do not have a favorite. What does that say about me?

If forced I would say it says that I suffer from a proclivity to over analyze my own thoughts and actions. This is certainly true. The only thing keeping me from having a favorite is myself. I can’t proclaim a favorite because the second I do I immediately second-guess myself. I mean, sure I like “Back to the Future”, but can I really say with any assurance I like it more than “The Searchers” or any number of films I really like. One reminds me of watching movies on cable as a child – “Back to the Future” along with “Star Wars” and “The Karate Kid” form the backbone of my childhood film viewing – the other grabbed me from the first majestic doorway-framed shot. I like them both, but for completely different reasons. They each elicit different emotional responses. I guess ultimately picking a favorite is like picking a piece of yourself. You pick the thing that elicits the best response from the part of yourself you like the most. I can honestly say I scarcely understand myself. The little I do understand I love and loathe in equal measure. My best and worse qualities often come from the same impulses. How can I choose which part I like stimulated the most.

Or what if I proclaim a favorite, but immediately think of a handful of movies I think I might like more than that. There is so much out there to choose from and so much going on inside myself, how can I know I’ll even find the proper outer stimulus while I am in the right mood. There are probably dozens of movies I have seen which I may have simply not been in the right mood to accept. Maybe it was a blue movie and I was in a green mood. But if I saw the blue movie in a blue mood would that become my favorite. It probably would for the next couple of days at least.

That is probably what keeps me from having favorites. I am too changeable. Whether or not I like something is simply a matter of when you ask me. I think too much about minutiae and do not allow myself to just sit back and make a simple choice from emotion. I am afraid to cling to closely to something only to discover it may be the wrong thing or reflects poorly on me. Maybe, it’s just foolish to think anything can be my favorite.

So, if you see me at a loss to come up with a favorite something or another – always popular with all sorts of getting to know you nonsense – don’t be surprised to see a blank look on my face before I blurt out the first thing I think of. You can also be sure I will almost immediately regret whatever it is I said. It’s my way.

Shalom


* I do actually have one favorite. My favorite person is Marissa.