My Stupid Pet Peeves #2: People Who Wear Under Armour Like Regular Clothes

Yes, yes. We can all see that you are in excellent physical shape. As a matter of fact, you are ripped. Very nice with the rippled abs and bulging biceps and whatnot. You must spend copious amounts of time in the gym wailing on the various muscle groups. And it shows. Really. Everyone is really quite impressed. Now can you go put on some normal clothes?

I’m sure Under Armour is very comfortable. It certainly hugs all your upper body man bits just so. It must be very nice in the gym where it makes you cooler or makes your workout more extreme or whatever the hell Under Armour is supposed to do. But you’re not in the gym anymore. You’re walking around the mall. Wearing Slacks. Pleated slacks. With your tight fitting Under Armour. Why don’t you just slap on a pair of Crocs and hat reading ‘Douche’ while you’re at it?

Grillers don’t wear their aprons to church. Raquetballers don’t wear their goggles to the movies. Fencers don’t wear facemasks to the grocery store. So, why the hell are you wearing your Under Armour around the mall? No matter how totally ripped you are – and we all agree you are – you look like a complete asshole with that shit painted on you checking the scents at Yankee Candle. Are those your kids with you? Do you realize within a few years they won’t want to be caught dead with you out in public? Seriously man, the only way you could be more embarrassing would be if you paired that shirt with some elastic biking shorts and started asking your kids’ friends if they like gladiator movies.

Look, I’m telling you this for your own good. No one really cares how ripped you are, but we are all vaguely uncomfortable looking at that shirt. You look like a sleek, over-muscled sea lion. But things don’t have to be so bad. Look around. You’re in the mall you can buy a new shirt. Have you considered – oh, I don’t know – a T-shirt or a polo? These are perfectly legitimate un-asshole-ish alternatives to your Under Armour. Just remember choose a size that fits and for God’s sake don’t go cutting the sleeves off. I know you have tremendous guns but most people don’t care. Now I’m going to let you go through the mall here. Remember what we’ve discussed. You look like a douche and you need a new damned shirt. Just stay out of Champs or Foot Locker and your on the right path. You don’t have to stop being a douche, you just shouldn’t make it so obvious. And no, going shirtless is not a viable alternative.

Shalom