The Five Stages of Fanny Pack Acceptance

Stage 1: Denial
What? But these are fanny packs. You can’t possibly think I would be the sort of person who ventures out in public in a fanny pack. I know it would be useful at the amusement park, but look at me. I’m cool. I’m like the coolest person around. Think of all the cool people in the history of world. None of them ever wore a fanny pack. Did you ever hear of James Dean tooling around California in his Porsche pulling smokes out of a fanny pack? Of course not. Because he was cool. Cool just like me. No, cool person ever wore a fanny pack. Ever. Seriously, look it up.

Stage 2: Rationalization
Ah. I see. This is a joke. Very funny. What? This isn’t a joke? Really? Well, you do make some valid points. We will be walking around all day. Of course, I don’t expect Marissa to clutch a purse all day. Cell phones, wallets, sunglasses, and the like can’t all be carried in pockets. Those amusement park rides are notorious for separating people from the stuff in the pockets. The fanny pack is the ideal solution this situation. But they look stupid. Look at some of these fanny packs. This one is bright pink. This one is neon green. I may not be the trendiest guy, but I can’t wear these…

Stage 3: Persuasion
…But this one’s not a bad color. It seems to be a nice hunter green. Low key. Won’t call too much attention. If I have to wear a fanny pack, this is the color of fanny pack I will wear. I look good in green. It’s one of my colors. I wear a lot of green. Oh, it has two pockets. So we can separate our stuff into two categories: spending cash and everything else. We won’t accidently have money fall out when we go to pull out the sunscreen. Very functional. This has a National Parks logo on it. Classy. I respect the National Park system, one of Teddy Roosevelt’s fine decisions. This fanny pack says that I care about the outdoors and I am well traveled.

Stage 4: Trying It On
It fits.

Stage 5: Acceptance
This isn’t too bad. It even looks kind of cool. If I pull it to the side, it has a certain nonchalant charm, like how a gunslinger carries his six-shooter. I look like a hip hiker. I’m saying to the world, “I don’t care what you think.” It’s not a bad accessory really. It’s functional. It’s not nearly as bad looking as I initially thought. I can have everything we need right here at my finger-tips. Why don’t I wear fanny packs more often? This is perfect. Look at that guy in the mirror. I’m going to be the coolest guy on the Scrambler. Oh, yes I will be. Damn, I make this look good.

Shalom