Who Moved My (Chuck E.) Cheese
Say you like classic arcade game action. I’m not talking about video games, which are, of course, perfectly awesome in their own right. I’m referring to the more tactile arcade pleasures: the joy of the perfectly rolled Skee-Ball, popping as many shots in Pop-a-Shot as possible, or completely owning a dear loved one at the Air Hockey table. Sadly, these pleasures are not as easy to come by as they used to be. Sure, you come across the occasional old-school arcade. You can always go to Dave & Busters, but you’ll end up paying way too much while slammed between drunk bros and yuppies trying to retrieve their lost youth. So, what are you to do? I say go back to the source. Go to the place where you first fell in love with these games. Take a trip to Chuck E. Cheese.
“But wait,” you say. “Chuck E. Cheese is where a kid can be a kid, and I am not a kid. I am an adult. Maybe not much of an adult, but an adult none the less.” First, don’t be so hard on yourself hypothetical adult I am writing to. You are a perfectly legitimate adult. Second, just because you are an adult does not mean you cannot enjoy the myriad pleasures of the rat’s place. Lucky for you I have been patronizing Chuck E. Cheese as an adult for a few years now, and I have a few simple tips to make your next visit smooth, productive, and super awesome.
Go on a school night
Do you know what the best part about being an adult is? Doing whatever you want. Want to eat half a box of Oreos for breakfast? Go for it. Want to stay up late playing video games? I’m not going to stop you. Want to play with all your Legos, but don’t want to put them away when you’re done. It’s your party. Want to go out on a school night? You’re an adult. There are no school nights.
So, while kids across America are being kept under house arrest because they have to go to school the next day, you – as an adult – are free to do what you want. So, school nights are the perfect time to go to Chuck E. Cheese, because, lets face it, you want to have fun like a kid, but you don’t want to actually deal with kids. When it comes to Chuck E. Cheese, kids just get in the way. They run all over the Skee-Ball machines. They jam gum where only tokens are meant to go. They scream at terrible volumes. They smear marinara all over the Whack-a-Mole mallet. Basically, kids in giant groups suck. So, avoid them. Stay away from the birthday party crush on the weekend. Chuck E. Cheese is best enjoyed between Monday and Thursday, when kids are at home.
Define your goals
Do you just want to play some games or do you want to win something? If you just want to waste an evening squirting water into a clown’s mouth, then go crazy. But if you want to win something, you’re going to need a strategy. Stop by the prize counter. See if something catches your eye. Remember the good stuff is kept on the top shelves. Also, if your eyeing up that sweet Dodgers Vs. Giants Toss Across game hovering at the 1500 ticket level, you don’t have to do it all in one night. You can bank those tickets, because this isn’t going to be a one-night thing. You’re coming back to the Cheese.
If you’re going after prizes, you have to choose your games appropriately. Sure, riding on the helicopter that goes up and down is a stone cold blast, but it sure as hell isn’t going to get you any tickets. And it’s going to cost you a precious token, a token that could be used to win tickets.
Skip the show
The show sucks and it’s only going to slow you down. Plus, if you do end up watching the show you will be thoroughly creeped out. You might have nightmares for weeks, and face hefty psychiatric bills. Trust me.
Bring a friend
What’s the point of gunning for the bonus if there is no one to impress? You need someone with you at Chuck E. Cheese. Remember, every achievement is sweeter when there is someone you can lord it over. In every game there is a winner and a loser. If you don’t have someone with you, there is no way to know which you are. You also really need that competitive edge to push yourself to zenith of your gaming abilities. There is no better way to stoke the competitive fire than to brag to your date about the ten tickets you won by kicking a soccer ball past a mechanical goalie only to see the hundred tickets she won for smashing the skee-ball bonus. Sure, this kind of competition rarely lead to scoring in the bedroom (it usually leads to fights and a tense ride home), but it will lead to scoring on the arcade floor.
Plus, it’s REALLY awkward being an adult at Chuck E. Cheese alone. There ‘s just something…well…a little creepy about the situation. Which brings me to:
Don’t be pervy
Making pervy, pedophile jokes at the Cheese are hilarious. Trust me. No one knows this more than me. And you will never have the opportunity to make more “Uh, oh. I think that’s Chris Hanson coming in,” jokes than when you’re in the rat’s place. The jokes will pretty much be set up on a platter for you the entire time. But do you know who doesn’t think these jokes are hilarious? Moms. It’s a scientific fact that mothers have no sense of humor. Just think about your mother for minute. Would you put sense of humor high up on her list of attributes? I didn’t think so. If there’s one thing mothers have absolutely no sense of humor about it’s the welfare of their kids. They will have you thrown out of the place. If you are not careful a few thoughtless – if hilarious jokes – will have you going door to door just to let your neighbors know you live in the area. So, no matter how funny the joke is, bottled it up. Seriously. Plus, your fiancé probably does not think you’re funny. I know mine doesn’t
Most of all, have fun
Just because Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, does not mean it can’t be the place where an adult can play like a kid. Let yourself go. Play hard. Dance if you win. Order a pizza. You have a job, rent, bills, and all sorts of other adult things to worry about all the time. Let yourself have some good old-fashioned fun. Think of Chuck E. Cheese as therapy where you work out your problems one quarter token at a time, until finally you walk out with the giant rubber playground ball (1200 tickets) and an incredible sense of accomplishment.
Shalom
“But wait,” you say. “Chuck E. Cheese is where a kid can be a kid, and I am not a kid. I am an adult. Maybe not much of an adult, but an adult none the less.” First, don’t be so hard on yourself hypothetical adult I am writing to. You are a perfectly legitimate adult. Second, just because you are an adult does not mean you cannot enjoy the myriad pleasures of the rat’s place. Lucky for you I have been patronizing Chuck E. Cheese as an adult for a few years now, and I have a few simple tips to make your next visit smooth, productive, and super awesome.
Go on a school night
Do you know what the best part about being an adult is? Doing whatever you want. Want to eat half a box of Oreos for breakfast? Go for it. Want to stay up late playing video games? I’m not going to stop you. Want to play with all your Legos, but don’t want to put them away when you’re done. It’s your party. Want to go out on a school night? You’re an adult. There are no school nights.
So, while kids across America are being kept under house arrest because they have to go to school the next day, you – as an adult – are free to do what you want. So, school nights are the perfect time to go to Chuck E. Cheese, because, lets face it, you want to have fun like a kid, but you don’t want to actually deal with kids. When it comes to Chuck E. Cheese, kids just get in the way. They run all over the Skee-Ball machines. They jam gum where only tokens are meant to go. They scream at terrible volumes. They smear marinara all over the Whack-a-Mole mallet. Basically, kids in giant groups suck. So, avoid them. Stay away from the birthday party crush on the weekend. Chuck E. Cheese is best enjoyed between Monday and Thursday, when kids are at home.
Define your goals
Do you just want to play some games or do you want to win something? If you just want to waste an evening squirting water into a clown’s mouth, then go crazy. But if you want to win something, you’re going to need a strategy. Stop by the prize counter. See if something catches your eye. Remember the good stuff is kept on the top shelves. Also, if your eyeing up that sweet Dodgers Vs. Giants Toss Across game hovering at the 1500 ticket level, you don’t have to do it all in one night. You can bank those tickets, because this isn’t going to be a one-night thing. You’re coming back to the Cheese.
If you’re going after prizes, you have to choose your games appropriately. Sure, riding on the helicopter that goes up and down is a stone cold blast, but it sure as hell isn’t going to get you any tickets. And it’s going to cost you a precious token, a token that could be used to win tickets.
Skip the show
The show sucks and it’s only going to slow you down. Plus, if you do end up watching the show you will be thoroughly creeped out. You might have nightmares for weeks, and face hefty psychiatric bills. Trust me.
Bring a friend
What’s the point of gunning for the bonus if there is no one to impress? You need someone with you at Chuck E. Cheese. Remember, every achievement is sweeter when there is someone you can lord it over. In every game there is a winner and a loser. If you don’t have someone with you, there is no way to know which you are. You also really need that competitive edge to push yourself to zenith of your gaming abilities. There is no better way to stoke the competitive fire than to brag to your date about the ten tickets you won by kicking a soccer ball past a mechanical goalie only to see the hundred tickets she won for smashing the skee-ball bonus. Sure, this kind of competition rarely lead to scoring in the bedroom (it usually leads to fights and a tense ride home), but it will lead to scoring on the arcade floor.
Plus, it’s REALLY awkward being an adult at Chuck E. Cheese alone. There ‘s just something…well…a little creepy about the situation. Which brings me to:
Don’t be pervy
Making pervy, pedophile jokes at the Cheese are hilarious. Trust me. No one knows this more than me. And you will never have the opportunity to make more “Uh, oh. I think that’s Chris Hanson coming in,” jokes than when you’re in the rat’s place. The jokes will pretty much be set up on a platter for you the entire time. But do you know who doesn’t think these jokes are hilarious? Moms. It’s a scientific fact that mothers have no sense of humor. Just think about your mother for minute. Would you put sense of humor high up on her list of attributes? I didn’t think so. If there’s one thing mothers have absolutely no sense of humor about it’s the welfare of their kids. They will have you thrown out of the place. If you are not careful a few thoughtless – if hilarious jokes – will have you going door to door just to let your neighbors know you live in the area. So, no matter how funny the joke is, bottled it up. Seriously. Plus, your fiancé probably does not think you’re funny. I know mine doesn’t
Most of all, have fun
Just because Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, does not mean it can’t be the place where an adult can play like a kid. Let yourself go. Play hard. Dance if you win. Order a pizza. You have a job, rent, bills, and all sorts of other adult things to worry about all the time. Let yourself have some good old-fashioned fun. Think of Chuck E. Cheese as therapy where you work out your problems one quarter token at a time, until finally you walk out with the giant rubber playground ball (1200 tickets) and an incredible sense of accomplishment.
Shalom
posted by James | 10:51 PM
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