James's Cover Letter To His Resume To Be The New GM For The Cleveland Browns

Dear Mr. Lerner,

I learned of the opening of the General Manager position in your organization on ESPN. I have been told by reputable sources that the Cleveland Browns do actually have a long, proud, and even occasionally successful history in the National Football League. I am well aware that most of this success lies well in the past – much of it before my birth. However, I believe your organization can once again rise to the level of competitive, and I think I could possibly be just the man to lead the way.

Now, I am sure as you peruse my resume you will be surprised to discover that I have no football experience, or even any experience working in sports in any capacity ever. I have never even played organized football at any level, not even little league or mighty mite or whatever it is they call football played by six-year-olds. Honestly, I don’t even play the Madden video games that are so popular. I have played football in my friend Joe’s yard on a few occasions, and, as he can attest, I am very good at picking teams. I have included Joe among my references. Feel free to call him, but don’t call before noon. Joe likes to sleep in.

So, you may ask, if I have no football experience, what makes me think I can be the GM of Cleveland Browns? Well, I am looking for a job in the Cleveland area (so I can move closer to my charming fiancée) and you have a job opening in the Cleveland area. So there’s that. On a more specific level, while I have no experience playing, coaching, evaluating talent, drafting, trading, or hiring personal in the NFL, I think I could do an okay job. Not a great job, mind you, but okay. And isn’t that a step in the right direction? You can’t just go from terrible to great in one move. You have to make a stop at okay somewhere along the line. That’s me. I’m just okay.

Also it’s not like I have absolutely no experience with the NFL. I have watched the games. I usually watch one to one and a half games a week. Not only do I watch NFL games, I usually watch good teams. As a Steeler’s fan I know what a good NFL franchise looks like. I’ve seen a good NFL team week in and week out for years. I think I know what I’m doing. I just have to make the Browns more like that. How hard could that be?

I do have a plan for how to get the Browns on the road to okay. Upon my hiring, I will immediately put into effect my two-step plan toward success. Step one consists of a process where bad players and coaches are fired. Then in step two, good players and coaches are acquired. After these two steps are successfully executed the Browns will be left with a good team.

Not only can I do this, but I am pretty sure that, if hired I will do this. So, Mr. Lerner, when you think of your new GM: think experience, think passion, think ability then change your mind and settle for me. What do you have to lose? Oh, and I will work cheap, very cheap. So, I have that going for me.

Sincerely,

James A. Catullo