James's Beard

A place for me to write.

Name:
Location: Cleveland, Ohio, United States

Just a young man trying to make it on sheer wit, guile, and dumb luck.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Scenes I Would Like to See in The Eventual "Maximum Overdrive" Remake

A family of a father, mother, and two young children are having a pleasant night bowling when suddenly the ball return stops. Several frantic attempts at hitting the reset button do nothing. Eventually the pimple-faced counter boy is sent back to fetch the lost ball. The family listens horrified as the counter boy is horribly mangled. Blood falls from above the pins and the pin guards move up and down as though the machines are laughing. The machines hurl bowling pins at the customers killing everyone else in the building.

(Scene)

A barista is making a caramel macchiato for a customer. Suddenly, the cappuccino machine sprays his eyes with burning hot steam. He lunges toward the register only to have the drawer open with incredible force. First, it hits him in the crotch. Then, after he falls to his knees, it opens again and hits him even harder in the head, decapitating him. Then, the ice machine shoots ice cubes with bullet-like velocity killing all the customers in the shop, even that one really cute bohemian girl.

(Scene)

A math teacher is writing an equation on a transparency for an overhead projector. The overhead projector waits for him to be directly in the light and then instantly heats up to the temperature of the sun burning the teacher to a crisp. As the children scream in horror, the electric pencil sharpener on the teacher’s desk shoots razor sharp pencil shavings through every student’s neck.

(Scene)

At a wedding, just as the DJ is about to announce the wedding party, the volume on his equipment goes louder than ever before possible. The system plays ‘Funkytown’ so loud that everyone in the room’s head explodes. When the wedding party enters to see what happened, the CD player shoots CD’s at them like throwing stars, killing everyone.

(Scene)

A family is trying to take a family photo with their new digital camera. The father becomes increasingly confused as camera seems to be clicking faster and faster. The camera is clicking so fast and hard it begins to sound angry. Much to the father’s shock the digital display begins to read, “I hate you and am doing everything I can to kill you!” The camera continues to click and flash at an even more alarming rate. The camera is becoming irate at it’s own impotence at killing people. “Oh,” the camera thinks, “If only I were the lawn mower. Then these bastards would die.” Suddenly, a backhoe breaks through the wall and crushes the family. The camera’s display reads, “Thank you.” The backhoe lets out a little toot as a welcome.

(Scene)

Shalom