James's Beard

A place for me to write.

Name:
Location: Cleveland, Ohio, United States

Just a young man trying to make it on sheer wit, guile, and dumb luck.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Five Stages of Fanny Pack Acceptance

Stage 1: Denial
What? But these are fanny packs. You can’t possibly think I would be the sort of person who ventures out in public in a fanny pack. I know it would be useful at the amusement park, but look at me. I’m cool. I’m like the coolest person around. Think of all the cool people in the history of world. None of them ever wore a fanny pack. Did you ever hear of James Dean tooling around California in his Porsche pulling smokes out of a fanny pack? Of course not. Because he was cool. Cool just like me. No, cool person ever wore a fanny pack. Ever. Seriously, look it up.

Stage 2: Rationalization
Ah. I see. This is a joke. Very funny. What? This isn’t a joke? Really? Well, you do make some valid points. We will be walking around all day. Of course, I don’t expect Marissa to clutch a purse all day. Cell phones, wallets, sunglasses, and the like can’t all be carried in pockets. Those amusement park rides are notorious for separating people from the stuff in the pockets. The fanny pack is the ideal solution this situation. But they look stupid. Look at some of these fanny packs. This one is bright pink. This one is neon green. I may not be the trendiest guy, but I can’t wear these…

Stage 3: Persuasion
…But this one’s not a bad color. It seems to be a nice hunter green. Low key. Won’t call too much attention. If I have to wear a fanny pack, this is the color of fanny pack I will wear. I look good in green. It’s one of my colors. I wear a lot of green. Oh, it has two pockets. So we can separate our stuff into two categories: spending cash and everything else. We won’t accidently have money fall out when we go to pull out the sunscreen. Very functional. This has a National Parks logo on it. Classy. I respect the National Park system, one of Teddy Roosevelt’s fine decisions. This fanny pack says that I care about the outdoors and I am well traveled.

Stage 4: Trying It On
It fits.

Stage 5: Acceptance
This isn’t too bad. It even looks kind of cool. If I pull it to the side, it has a certain nonchalant charm, like how a gunslinger carries his six-shooter. I look like a hip hiker. I’m saying to the world, “I don’t care what you think.” It’s not a bad accessory really. It’s functional. It’s not nearly as bad looking as I initially thought. I can have everything we need right here at my finger-tips. Why don’t I wear fanny packs more often? This is perfect. Look at that guy in the mirror. I’m going to be the coolest guy on the Scrambler. Oh, yes I will be. Damn, I make this look good.

Shalom

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Sometimes Double Murders Are Funny


Sure, it looks like Batman's overreacting to an honest mistake. The guy dresses up like a bat to fight crime, so overreacting is pretty much par for the course. But I like to think that Robin is the jerk here. I can just picture him slipping mom and dad references into his everyday conversations with Batman. He's just trying to get the best of him. I'm glad Batman showed him who's the boss in Wayne Manor. I'm starting a petition to get this scene into the next Nolan Batman movie, and every Batman movie or television show from here on out. Yes, I think it is that awesome.

Shalom

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Robots Defeat Pirates For Cultural Supremacy. Ninjas Lay In Wait.

Just a year ago, the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie was theaters raking in the box office dollar. This film marked the last gasp of the pirate as king of the pop culture heap. Starting in 2003 when the first Pirates movie was released, pirates dominated culture on a number of levels. Pirates were everywhere, from the multiplex movie screens to the costumes worn by the children looking for sweet handouts on Halloween. Pirate themed toys from Lego’s to miniature Johnny Depps were flying off the shelves. Literary star Dave Eggers opened a pirate supply store. I personally attended at least one pirate themed birthday party – for an adult, no less – which I sadly did not dress up for. Pirates were riding a wave cultural supremacy previously unheard of for them.

And now…

Now pirates are out. No ones talking about pirates. No other pirate movie has swooped in to capitalize on the Pirates of the Caribbean phenomenon. What happened? In one word: Robots. Robots have moved in to knock pirates off of the top of the cultural mountain. The first blow against pirate supremacy was launched when Transformers was released saying to the world, “Hey, we’re robots. Remember how cool we are?” And the general public responded by saying, “Yeah. Robots. You guys are alright.”

From that point on, robots have been gaining traction all over before exploding this summer. First, Ironman was released. Now, I’m not a moron. I know Ironman is not a robot. He’s a man in a mechanical suit, but he looks like a robot. Ironman is like the gateway drug to robots. You get used to watching a mechanical face for a couple of hours. It’s not so bad. You can even root for him. Then, the next thing you know you’re ready for to watch a movie starring a true robot. He doesn’t even have to talk. Or have a recognizable human form. That’s right, Ironman paved the way for WALL-E. The robot revolution is in full swing. Robots are great, and not just the ass-kicking, shape-shifting, robots from outer space variety. Robots are cute, cuddly, and for the whole family.

Now, robots are the new kings of the pop culture universe. Get ready. Robots are going to be everywhere. I for one am all for this since I think robots are just about the coolest things in the world. I don’t even need the fast, fighting robots. I am personally a fan of the big, clunky, nuclear-paranoia-of-the-‘50’s style robots. I don’t even need cool CGI. I’m fine with clumsy guys in metal suits. I am cautiously optimistic for The Day the Earth Stood Still remake. I am afraid the filmmakers will try to streamline Gort, only the greatest movie robot of all time, but I’ll take my robots while I can get them.



I fully intend to enjoy the next couple of years because I know it will not last. Yes, just as robots superseded pirates, robots are doomed to be overtaken by the next big cultural wave. That wave, boys and girls, will be ninjas. That is the great cycle of pop culture cool characters. It goes from pirates to robots to ninjas. It’s a never-ending cycle. From the antiquated to the futuristic to the exotic and back. Ninjas are patiently waiting in the dark – as is their style – to take down robots. I don’t know exactly how this will happen. It may be a slow build of small ninja related products or it may be one big ninja blockbuster. I have heard there is a G.I. Joe movie in the works. If it’s anything like the cartoon, a ninja or two will play major roles in the movie. If it’s done well this may do the trick. Of course, ninjas are known for the surprise attack. They may take over in new, unprecedented ways. I do not know how or when ninjas will take the throne as pop culture kings, but mark my words, within a few years, ninjas will be everywhere.

So, if you do not like robots all you need to wait for their time to pass. If you already miss the heady days of the pirate, they too will once again have their day. Pirates, robots, and ninjas. That’s the cycle. Each character has their advantage. Pirates have the best costumes with eye-patches, hats, wigs, and swishy shirts. They have a clear advantage in women’s costumes: the sexy pirate or wench. There really are no sexy ninja or – god forbid – robot costumes. Robots have the best action figures with flashing lights and monotone voices. Ninjas have the best accessories: swords, throwing stars, staffs, and nunchaku. My advice is to enjoy each part of the cycle. Embrace each one. Buy the toys for your kids – or yourself. See the movies. Throw theme parties. Have fun. By the time you get tired of robots ninjas, will be here and pirates will be a glint off on the horizon.

Shalom.