James's Beard

A place for me to write.

Name:
Location: Cleveland, Ohio, United States

Just a young man trying to make it on sheer wit, guile, and dumb luck.

Friday, March 06, 2009

JamesBrau: Part Dubbel

Since first writing about my initial homebrew experiment, I have been deluged with request to follow up with some results. I can’t walk down the street without people shouting at me, “Hey, why don’t you use the sidewalk… to walk home and post a blog about how your beer turned out.” Well, total stranger on the street and my five loyal readers, I have heard your plaintive pleas. I have indeed sampled my beer, and I am here to share with you my reactions.

First, I’ll quickly fill you in on the remaining steps of the beer making process. When we last left my beer in the pages of this blog, it was nestled in its little plastic fermenting keg next to my microwave in the kitchen. This seemed like the ideal placement for fermentation; at least, as ideal a location as my apartment affords. My kitchen tends to maintain the most constant temperature and there are no windows. Sunlight is the enemy of fermentation. I took the extra step of putting a brown paper bag over the keg (which is semi-transparent) to ward off any other possible light. It looked like I gave my beer a little blanket. Every night I would tuck it in nice and snug. I also read it bedtime stories and played smooth jazz for the beer. I don’t know if any of that helped, but I figure it couldn’t hurt.

After about three weeks, the liquid was no longer cloudy. I sampled a small amount of the beer from the tap. Although it had a sweet, almost cider-y odor, the beer did not have a sweet taste. My beer was ready to bottle. In the home brewing process I used, bottling is an important step. The final fermentation and carbonation is achieved through bottle conditioning. Bottling was simple enough. I once again had to sterilize all of my equipment, which consisted mainly of the plastic bottles and caps that came with the kit. A small amount of priming sugar – simple white granulated sugar – was added to each bottle. The priming sugar ferments in the bottle and provides most of the carbonation. This step proved difficult for me. The book called for about 2 teaspoons of sugar per bottle, and for some reason (I’m an idiot) I don’t own any measuring spoons. This led to a little guesswork. I had to be careful because too much sugar could lead to over-carbonation and bottle ‘splosions. None of my bottles exploded, so I assume I did ok.

Bottle conditioning can last anywhere from seven days to five months. The final aging adds additional flavors and – as I noted previously – carbonation. The bottles are aged at room temperature for at least a week. Since I was still worried about the excessive amount of honey I added to the mix, I knew I wanted to age my beer more than the minimum. After seven days I split my eight bottles into two groups of four. I kept half at room temperature and half in the fridge. I want to see the different between regular conditioning and cold conditioning also called ‘lagering’ (aren’t you impressed with my command of beer making terms? I got it from the manual.) By Valentines Day I noticed the bottles had become rock hard, which is a sign that the final fermentation is complete. Yes, I made many dirty ‘Rock Hard’ jokes… mainly to myself. And I think I’m hilarious.

On Valentines Day I gave Marissa, my vivacious fiancé, the gift every woman wants: crappy beer. Since the brewing kit was a gift from Marissa, technically it was crappy beer she paid for. What can I say? I’m romantic like that. I pulled a bottle that had been lovingly kept in the fridge for a couple of weeks. With a flourish I pulled the cap off and poured the amber beverage into two tumblers. My hear sank. There was no head. No bubbles. No carbonation at all. The beer still had the strong, sweet cider smell. With great trepidation we both took a sip. It wasn’t exactly a fine Belgian Quad or anything, but it was recognizably beer. Success. It had a weak flavor most likely a result of spilling some of the wort before I could add it to the keg. There was a slight sweetness – too much honey, I reckon. My rapier wit working lightning fast I quipped: “It’s kind of like the last girl in school to go through puberty: flat but kinda sweet.” I thought I was hilarious. Marissa less so. I used the joke again to describe it to some friends. They also didn’t laugh. Final judgment: I’m not funny.

The beer while not a roaring success, was still quite passable. It was unmistakably beer, which is all I hoped for. I decided to age the rest of the beer further to see if the sweetness would subside and be replaced with a stronger beer flavor. I also hoped some carbonation would creep into the equation.

This past Monday – March 2 – I decide to give the beer another chance. I selected the most rock hard (hold on, I’m suppressing a giggle) bottle from the fridge and took it to Cellar Dweller rehearsal. As soon as I opened the bottle, I was once again hit with the sweet, cider smell. One Cellar Dweller noted it smelled almost skunked. My spirits flagged. Still, I poured the beer into small cups. Wait, what is this? There was FOAM forming on the top of the beer. My beer had head. I had achieved carbonation. There was a glimmer of hope.

The Cellar Dwellers drank.

It was OK. My beer was OK. I was ecstatic. The response was overwhelmingly positive. No one said they would rush out to by a bottle of JamesBrau, but no one spit it in my face. The general consensus was that it was kind of refreshing. It had a decent carbonation, but the flavor was not very strong. There was a general sweetness to the flavor, and almost no after-taste. One Cellar Dweller called it a beer spritzer. Another noted, “If I couldn’t decide between having a Coke or a beer. I would order this.” Some people actually asked for a little more. I was pleased.

Over all, I would label my initial beer a success. There is certainly room for improvement. I would like to generate a little more flavor, although I think this can be achieved simply by not spilling the ingredients all over my stove before I add it to the keg. I really think my current batch would be improved with just a little hops bite. Maybe I’ll choose a hopsier style for my next batch. As for this batch, I was greatly cheered by the improvements a mere two extra weeks of aging had on my beer. I will continue to sample the beer at different points in its aging. I haven’t even touched the bottles that are being conditioned at room temperature. I hold out hope for better beer out of this batch. And next time I’ll do even better.

The experiment continues.

Shalom

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Who Moved My (Chuck E.) Cheese

Say you like classic arcade game action. I’m not talking about video games, which are, of course, perfectly awesome in their own right. I’m referring to the more tactile arcade pleasures: the joy of the perfectly rolled Skee-Ball, popping as many shots in Pop-a-Shot as possible, or completely owning a dear loved one at the Air Hockey table. Sadly, these pleasures are not as easy to come by as they used to be. Sure, you come across the occasional old-school arcade. You can always go to Dave & Busters, but you’ll end up paying way too much while slammed between drunk bros and yuppies trying to retrieve their lost youth. So, what are you to do? I say go back to the source. Go to the place where you first fell in love with these games. Take a trip to Chuck E. Cheese.

“But wait,” you say. “Chuck E. Cheese is where a kid can be a kid, and I am not a kid. I am an adult. Maybe not much of an adult, but an adult none the less.” First, don’t be so hard on yourself hypothetical adult I am writing to. You are a perfectly legitimate adult. Second, just because you are an adult does not mean you cannot enjoy the myriad pleasures of the rat’s place. Lucky for you I have been patronizing Chuck E. Cheese as an adult for a few years now, and I have a few simple tips to make your next visit smooth, productive, and super awesome.

Go on a school night
Do you know what the best part about being an adult is? Doing whatever you want. Want to eat half a box of Oreos for breakfast? Go for it. Want to stay up late playing video games? I’m not going to stop you. Want to play with all your Legos, but don’t want to put them away when you’re done. It’s your party. Want to go out on a school night? You’re an adult. There are no school nights.

So, while kids across America are being kept under house arrest because they have to go to school the next day, you – as an adult – are free to do what you want. So, school nights are the perfect time to go to Chuck E. Cheese, because, lets face it, you want to have fun like a kid, but you don’t want to actually deal with kids. When it comes to Chuck E. Cheese, kids just get in the way. They run all over the Skee-Ball machines. They jam gum where only tokens are meant to go. They scream at terrible volumes. They smear marinara all over the Whack-a-Mole mallet. Basically, kids in giant groups suck. So, avoid them. Stay away from the birthday party crush on the weekend. Chuck E. Cheese is best enjoyed between Monday and Thursday, when kids are at home.

Define your goals
Do you just want to play some games or do you want to win something? If you just want to waste an evening squirting water into a clown’s mouth, then go crazy. But if you want to win something, you’re going to need a strategy. Stop by the prize counter. See if something catches your eye. Remember the good stuff is kept on the top shelves. Also, if your eyeing up that sweet Dodgers Vs. Giants Toss Across game hovering at the 1500 ticket level, you don’t have to do it all in one night. You can bank those tickets, because this isn’t going to be a one-night thing. You’re coming back to the Cheese.

If you’re going after prizes, you have to choose your games appropriately. Sure, riding on the helicopter that goes up and down is a stone cold blast, but it sure as hell isn’t going to get you any tickets. And it’s going to cost you a precious token, a token that could be used to win tickets.

Skip the show
The show sucks and it’s only going to slow you down. Plus, if you do end up watching the show you will be thoroughly creeped out. You might have nightmares for weeks, and face hefty psychiatric bills. Trust me.

Bring a friend
What’s the point of gunning for the bonus if there is no one to impress? You need someone with you at Chuck E. Cheese. Remember, every achievement is sweeter when there is someone you can lord it over. In every game there is a winner and a loser. If you don’t have someone with you, there is no way to know which you are. You also really need that competitive edge to push yourself to zenith of your gaming abilities. There is no better way to stoke the competitive fire than to brag to your date about the ten tickets you won by kicking a soccer ball past a mechanical goalie only to see the hundred tickets she won for smashing the skee-ball bonus. Sure, this kind of competition rarely lead to scoring in the bedroom (it usually leads to fights and a tense ride home), but it will lead to scoring on the arcade floor.

Plus, it’s REALLY awkward being an adult at Chuck E. Cheese alone. There ‘s just something…well…a little creepy about the situation. Which brings me to:

Don’t be pervy
Making pervy, pedophile jokes at the Cheese are hilarious. Trust me. No one knows this more than me. And you will never have the opportunity to make more “Uh, oh. I think that’s Chris Hanson coming in,” jokes than when you’re in the rat’s place. The jokes will pretty much be set up on a platter for you the entire time. But do you know who doesn’t think these jokes are hilarious? Moms. It’s a scientific fact that mothers have no sense of humor. Just think about your mother for minute. Would you put sense of humor high up on her list of attributes? I didn’t think so. If there’s one thing mothers have absolutely no sense of humor about it’s the welfare of their kids. They will have you thrown out of the place. If you are not careful a few thoughtless – if hilarious jokes – will have you going door to door just to let your neighbors know you live in the area. So, no matter how funny the joke is, bottled it up. Seriously. Plus, your fiancé probably does not think you’re funny. I know mine doesn’t

Most of all, have fun
Just because Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, does not mean it can’t be the place where an adult can play like a kid. Let yourself go. Play hard. Dance if you win. Order a pizza. You have a job, rent, bills, and all sorts of other adult things to worry about all the time. Let yourself have some good old-fashioned fun. Think of Chuck E. Cheese as therapy where you work out your problems one quarter token at a time, until finally you walk out with the giant rubber playground ball (1200 tickets) and an incredible sense of accomplishment.

Shalom